AEE 2650: How to Give a Hard No Plus Cultural Tips

This is an All Ears English Podcast, Episode 2650, How to Give a Hard No, Plus Cultural Tips. Welcome to the All Ears English Podcast, downloaded more than 200 million times. Are you feeling stuck with your English? We'll show you how to become fearless and fluent by focusing on connection, not perfection.

with your American hosts, Lindsay McMahon, the English adventurer, and Michelle Kaplan, the New York radio girl, coming to you from Colorado and New York City, USA. And to get your transcripts delivered by email every week, go to allearsenglish.com forward slash subscribe.

Is it normal to give a hard no in your culture? What about in business? Today, find out how common it is in American culture and learn four ways to do it in English.

Have you ever been in an English conversation where you understood everything, but when it was your turn to speak, the words disappeared? You've learned more sophisticated phrases, but in the moment you fall back on simple, safe words. That's exactly why we created our brand new online course, Active Vocabulary. This course helps you move your vocabulary from passive recognition to active use.

So the words are there when you need them in those important moments of your life. Plus, when you become a student, you get invited to the weekly open conversation club to practice your speaking live. Save up to $100, but the offer ends on Sunday. Go now to allearsenglish.com slash vocabulary to get the special deal.

That's allearsenglish.com slash V-O-C-A-B-U-L-A-R-Y. Hey there, Michelle. How's it going today? Hey, Lindsay. I'm doing well. How are you? I'm feeling good.

I'm feeling good. I am excited to ask you a question. Okay. And I am excited to hear the question and to answer it. All right. Here's the question. Do you ever hesitate to tell someone no when they ask you for something or when they ask you something?

Do you hesitate to say no? Yeah. I mean, of course, you know, you want to, I think we all in some way want to make people happy and we want to be able to say yes to things. Right.

But sometimes we just can't or, or sometimes it's our opinion and we're just being very direct and, How about you, Lindsay? Yeah, of course. I think you're right what you said.

We all as human beings, the brain is wired for connection. We know this, evolutionarily speaking. And so we want – even if you're not a people pleaser, quote unquote, there's some level of all of us that kind of wants that togetherness, that agreement. It feels good to agree and to be on the same page with someone.

Like biologically, it feels good. Yeah. Yeah. So but sometimes we have to say no. So today we're going to talk about some ways that describe a clear, quick no.

And a while ago, we did an episode with a similar concept, but it was on business English. So that's another show that we have, guys. So go on over. You can put in Business English Podcast wherever you are listening and hit the follow button.

Later, I'll give you that episode number if you're curious to hear that one as well. Yes, yes, exactly. And as Michelle said, make sure you hit follow, hit follow over on business and hit follow over here on All Ears English. All right.

That's right. So again, it is important to be able to express no in some way, right? And to express that there's no wiggle room. What does the expression wiggle room mean, Michelle?

Yeah. No flexibility, right? We're stuck in this place. We can't move around. Right. So what are some ways that we express this? If there's no wiggle room, we can't wiggle.

We can't wiggle to a yes or a maybe. So the first one is a flat out no. Yes. Yeah. So for example, I asked my friend if she could help me more, but she gave me a flat out no.

She is super busy with work. Mm hmm. Or are you still considering taking time off to join me on the trip? Or is it a flat out? No. So I'm just saying, is it there?

There's no way you're not thinking about it anymore. And yeah, I think it's interesting how we use it here. So is it a flat out? No. It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, you could also say, are you, I'm not sure if we're going to cover this later, but sometimes we say, are you a flat out? No, we will actually personify the person or it is the answer.

A flat out no, right? Yeah. So there are lots of different ways that we use this one, but this one is very common, a flat out no. And then we have a very similar one, which is an automatic no, which is the same idea.

So for example, my daughter wanted to borrow my car again. I told her it was an automatic no. She's mad at me now. Yeah. Or I can't believe he didn't even listen to me.

It was an automatic no. I wanted to at least explain my point of view. That's frustrating when someone just says no. Maybe you're a teenager and your parents just say no.

They don't even listen to your argument. Because I said so, right? Right. That's the worst thing you want to hear. It's the last thing you want to hear when you're a teenager, you know?

Right. But sometimes that happens. Yes. Sometimes, you know, you'll ask why, why. And I mean, Lindsay, if your parents growing up, if they told you no for something, were you the type to kind of argue back or explain your point or were you more just, okay, fine, I get it.

No. Oh God, what teenager says fine, I get it, right? No way. No, I got really frustrated and I tried to push back and I would whine and argue and no, no, no.

Yeah. I mean, teenagers always think they know what's best for them, right? For themselves. Yes. Yes, exactly. Exactly. And then what's the next one here?

The next one is a hard no. So very similar to a flat out no and an automatic no. A hard no. Is this up for debate or is it a hard no? Now, we don't really say soft no, which is interesting, right?

Yeah. No, we don't say, oh, it's a soft no now. Soft no. A soft no is kind of a maybe, right? I mean, especially in the dating world, if someone says, oh, we should –

We should go out again or we should go out sometime. If you get a maybe, it's really a no in the dating world. In a lot of – I think also in the parenting world.

Oh, can we get this toy? Oh, maybe later. We'll see. We'll see. We'll see. Ah, yeah, that's a good one. But yeah, or so you said, is it up for debate or is it a hard no?

Or here's another one. This is more businessy. I didn't expect to get a hard no from HR, but I guess they have everyone's schedules and my vacation couldn't fit in.

Yeah. Yeah. So these are – it's a hard line, right? There's no wiggle room here. You shouldn't expect the person to come back next week and say yes, right?

These are hard no's here. Right. Well, I have a question actually. So if you – if I'm describing something as a hard no, like HR gave me a hard no, does that mean that they –

are being rude about it is it a rude thing when you get a hard no no i don't think any of these are rude necessarily it's just um firm and sometimes in business it's refreshing uh because you know the answer right like right you know it's almost appropriate i mean this is so cultural too you know that i know when i studied japanese from what i understood there's not a lot of use of the word no you

in the language itself because it's sort of losing face to say no outright, more so than in American English. That was my understanding of Japanese. And so this is so cultural, but I think in American business culture, people would rather –

hear no and have clarity than to hear maybe or to hear a lie. And you're left hanging, right? Or people say, yes, everything is fine when things are not fine. That's not okay in business culture here, right?

Yeah. So sometimes these can be just helpful or unique. I mean, people might just respect you more if you give those definite firm answers. But saying someone gave me a hard no doesn't mean necessarily – it doesn't

It's not a commentary on how they said it or if they were rude. It's just saying it was firm. Yeah, exactly. It's just being clear. Clear is good. Clarity is so important for business success and for life, right?

Yes. Mm-hmm. Start your gratis proefperiode op shopify.com Okay, Michelle. So there's a few more or there's one more that we need to tell our listeners about.

This one is a little less common. What do we think it is? What is it? It's a resounding no. You might also hear a resounding yes. Yes. Potentially. So this is more about...

Like a group. I think of it as a group. It doesn't have to be, but it's just saying, you know, it's a big no, and perhaps a group is saying it. So, for example, my students gave me a resounding no when I asked them if they wanted more homework.

Right. Who would say yes to that? Or I asked everyone at the front desk, the receptionist, the customer relationship, even the manager, they gave me a resounding no when I asked for a refund. So it just means you hear it from a number of people, right?

Yes. And also it... To me, I feel it's a little, there's like a energy behind it or enthusiasm. Like, you know, they're not just like, no, sorry, I don't think so.

It's like, no. Right. It's firmness, right? Yeah. Strength. Yeah. But yeah, Lindsay, why are these so useful? Yeah. Well, I mean, I think it's really important to get a clear answer.

I think in American English, we respect the no or we have room for a no a bit more maybe than in other cultures in the world. And other cultures probably in the same way have even more room than we do for the no, right? We're not the most direct culture. Yeah.

in the world. Right. Um, so this is really cultural. Just think about your culture and how, what is people's attitude towards directly saying no? And you'll get a lot of insight about your own style, right?

Yeah. Super interesting. Yeah. And sometimes we need to express, I mean, we've talked about the expression like black and white, or it's not something isn't black or white.

Um, Um, no wiggle room, no gray area, those types of things. Um, and sometimes we just need to express that. So these are just, these are much stronger than if I just said to you, oh yeah, he said, no, he told us no.

Right. Yes. These are just a little bit more emphatic sounding as well. More clear. You're going to give me more clarity. Did he say, did he say no? Or did he kind of say maybe, is there any room for convincing someone?

Right. Yes. Exactly. So should we do a role play? Let's do it. So here, Michelle, we are sharing our experiences that we've had when asking for time off to take a trip together.

So sounds like we're colleagues and we want to travel together, right? Or maybe not colleagues. We're just friends here, right? Okay. So what did your boss say?

Oh man, it was a hard no. He said we need people at work during that week. Ugh, would he let you explain why it has to be that week? No, it was just an automatic no.

I even told him I'd check in while I was away, but it didn't work. Oh, that's really too bad. I asked my boss about the backup week and it was a flat out no. Maybe we can find a week, a different week altogether.

Yep. Because we are just getting resounding no's. Seriously. Oh, bummer. Okay. So maybe we work in some industry that's really busy at a certain time of year or something like that.

Or people have already chosen their vacation times. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So here you said, so what did your boss say? Right. And? And I said, oh man, it was a hard no.

Mm-hmm. And I said, will he let you explain why it has to be that week? And you just said, nope, it was just an automatic no. Uh-huh. And then you said, that's too bad.

I asked my boss about the backup week. So it sounds like we had a couple weeks in mind. But you said, and it was a flat out no. So we're really having a hard time here.

Yeah. And now I'm emphasizing that we heard no's from a lot of people. And you said, yeah, just because we're just getting a resounding no's from different places or both of us. Both of us are good.

Yeah. Perfect. Good. Yeah. Well, we'll have to find another time, Lindsay. We will to go on vacation together. Yes. Yes. That episode you mentioned earlier, what was that, Michelle?

Yeah. That was, again, over on the Business English Podcast. That was episode 549, which was how to show your non-starters right off the bat. So that was a really interesting, fun one, too, for business.

Yeah, absolutely. Guys, go over and open the search bar, type in all ears English, sorry, business English, and hit follow if you're not currently following the Business English Podcast. All right? So I feel like the takeaway today is culture.

Because this is so heavily cultural. Your comfort with saying no, your bosses, the people that work under you, their comfort with saying no to you is also very cultural. So think about your own cultural go-tos, your automatic cultural scripts that are guiding you and look at the culture you might be thinking about moving to or living in and think about how it's different. Yeah.

Huge. Yeah. It's really interesting to think about that and to learn about it and to see, you know, reflect on your own culture and how it may make you look at the world or express yourself, the language that you use.

And one of the ways to start is to look at the language itself. and see how much access do we have to the word no, right? Like I said, in Japanese, it doesn't seem to be very commonly placed into the beginning of a sentence. There are different ways that no is spoken in a softer way, right?

Using different words. And is that true in your culture? And how is it different in American English or British English or Australian English, right? Yeah.

Good. Interesting stuff. All right, Lindsay. Well, I guess I'll talk to you later. All right, Michelle. Take care. Talk soon. Bye. Bye. Thanks for listening to All Ears English.

Would you like to know your English level? Take our two-minute quiz. Go to allearsenglish.com forward slash fluency score. And if you believe in connection, not perfection, then hit subscribe now to make sure you don't miss anything.

See you next time. I have Ornod in 2013 built. We make clothes. Thanks to Shopify, we can run it without having a lot of technical knowledge. We can everything from the back-end to the front-end and sell products.

If Shopify would be a fietsaccessoire, it would be the fiets itself. It is the thing where you do it. We run it on Shopify. Start your free period on Shopify.